I like everything bagels (meaning that I like the bagels with a shit load of stuff on them) but sometimes I wonder if perhaps this means that I am an indecisive person. If so then I suppose I ought to attempt some form of decisiveness. In such case I would go with the poppy seed bagel which I think is a pretty classic and safe choice. Of course the danger with the poppy seed is that if you have to take a drug test in the very near future you are at risk of failing for opiates which could lead to some difficult explanations (“I swear I haven’t been pushing heroin, I just really like poppy seed bagels. God do you even see any track marks?). I have never been very impressed with sesame bagels, that seed just doesn’t cut it for me, maybe because I am completely clueless as to what sesame is (besides a street where Muppet/human interactions are at an all time high). Interestingly I tend to believe that bagels are really just about the only thing that cream cheese should be spread on. I’m all for cream cheese being in other foods (my mom makes a really good pasta dish with shrimp that has a cream cheese based white sauce) I just tend not to want to see people spreading the stuff on everything they eat, which fortunately does not seem to be a very popular habit. At least cream cheese is better than mayo which, in its own right, is better than Miracle Whip because Miracle Whip has to be about the most ass nasty condiment in existence (though tartar sauce is pretty rough too). Mustard is by far the best stuff to put on foods and A1 steak sauce is an essential to any tasty sirloin. Ketchup (or catsup for you weirdos) belongs primarily on fries but is acceptable on hot dogs, hamburgers, and a variety of other greasy American hand foods. Tabasco sauce can be quite successful on almost any food stuff though I have not yet attempted it on Brussel sprouts. Keep cream cheese to bagels and fuck keeping bagels simple because if you are lame and only want a simple bagel you may discover that you are ignorant of things in the world or end up loosing you job because your boss is worried about your smack addiction. Enough said I think.

~ by Nathaniel on July 31, 2007.

One Response to “Bagels”

  1. […] So starts a nice albeit strange post on bagels and condiments. […]

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