Letter to Hallmark

At Bag Lunch Thursday yesterday it was suggested that the best route for getting Zning Month off the ground and into the air of glorious holiday celebration would be to win over Hallmark Card Company as they seem to represent one of the largest prodcers of holiday commercialization.  So this morning I decided to write a letter to Hallmark proposing Zning Month, it reads as follows:

November 30th, 2007

Dear Hallmark,

            I write to you with an earnest request for consideration.  I wish to propose the creation of a new holiday in lieu of February 29th on leap years.  The name of this holiday shall be Zning Month.

            In all honesty I am not sure who it is that is in charge of the whole holiday creation thing, probably some government honcho with a nice office and fancy car.  While I possess the capability of researching and finding who this person is I have decided to forego the slow bureaucratic process and aim right into the consumer market.  Knowing that your company represents the soulless commercialization of just about every holiday or other occasion of celebration I have figured that you would be the most likely entity to get Zning Month out of proposition and into practice.  Of course Zning Month would be an ideal financial investment for your company as the product placement for the said holiday could be quite large.  I am thinking “Have a Wondrous Zning Month” cards, Zning Month candles, Zning Month herbal teas, Zning Month gong music CDs, the official Hallmark Zning Month gimp suits and whips, etc, etc (the creative potential is endless).

            Of course Zning Month, in that it will replace leap years, will only occur every four years but I do not see this presenting much of a marketing problem, if anything, the hype from the approach of a Zning Year (of course being a year in which Zning Month occurs) should boost product sales significantly.  I can just now envision the little children with their rosy cheeks and wide eyes getting all excited about receiving their quad-annual Zning Month gifts of tepid Zning Tea and stale Zning Cakes.  Just close your eyes and imagine, a holiday that lasts an entire month (though the month itself is only a day long) where people feel no restraints from the normal ins and outs of the regular week, where wonders of the Zning spirit of calendar correction baffle those who cannot comprehend the slight deviation of Earth’s orbit of the sun.  People will likely be rejoicing in the street singing the Zning Carols written entirely by Hallmark’s Musical Composition staff.  Festive Zning Yike Stick throws will fill the streets.  I see it as being an unquestionably glorious secular celebration.

            For reasons of a lack of general holiday happenings I suggest that Zning Month fall on the cusp between August and September.  Of course every four years special Zning Calendars would have to be produced and if Hallmark acts now I am certain that you can obtain the exclusive rights to their production.  This is an opportunity for you, a well standing company built on the brutal commercialization of an significant day of the year, to add yet another date to your already impressive portfolio.  Together we can bring new joy to the world all for the reasonable cost of a few well planned holiday products.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

   

Sincerely yours,

Nathaniel Holden Lord       

If, as is likely, Hallmark decides to ignore me, I think I will do as the BLT crew suggested and send a letter a day just like from The Shawshank Redemption (though I have a feeling mailing a letter a day is a bit more financially demanding nowadays than it was in the 1940s).  Alas, oh well, Zning Month must have the recognition it deserves!

~ by Nathaniel on November 30, 2007.

3 Responses to “Letter to Hallmark”

  1. I have a funny image in my mind of the Hallmark execs reading this passage

    Knowing that your company represents the soulless commercialization of just about every holiday or other occasion of celebration I have figured that you would be the most likely entity to get Zning Month out of proposition and into practice. Of course Zning Month would be an ideal financial investment for your company as the product placement for the said holiday could be quite large. I am thinking “Have a Wondrous Zning Month” cards, Zning Month candles, Zning Month herbal teas, Zning Month gong music CDs, the official Hallmark Zning Month gimp suits and whips, etc, etc (the creative potential is endless).

    And nodding their head yes in all earnestness and saying,

    Yes, we do represent the soulless commercialization of just about every holiday and this is a great example. Let’s start Zning month but call it Zing month and not pay this Lord guy anything. Bob, your action item from this meeting is to trademark every variation of Zning possible. Jim your action item is to kill Nate Lord. Ok guys, let’s get to work.

  2. In tomorrow’s letter, throw some numbers at them. (They’ll like that.)

    Zninglings in the US: Approximately 200,000.
    Zninglings in the world: Approximately 4 million.

    Just on the cards alone, if 5 people buy a Hallmark card for the Zningling in their life, that’s an extra 1 million cards they can expect to sell on Zning Month/Day.

    That doesn’t even include the number of people who would buy Happy Zning Month/Day cards just for their friends (kind of like Xmas cards, Thanksgiving cards, etc.)

    That also doesn’t include T-shirts, Teddy bears, etc… which leads me to my next suggestion:

    You might also want to target flower retailers (Interflora would be a good place to start), custom-printing websites like CafePress.com, Zazzle, etc. (They email-blast their users before all holidays). ToysRUs would probably jump all over the promotional opportunities. So would beer companies. From a retail standpoint, this could easily become another Black Friday dealio.

    I’m thinking we could also sell sports leagues on this: If everyone is already used to the Olympics and various World Cups being on 4 year cycles, I can see how a Zning Bowl could happen. A corporate sponsor could take it over and it would become the Microsoft Zning Bowl, or the Target Zning Bowl. Pretty clutch.

    I would also consider writing a letter a day to the United Nations about possibly attaching some sort of major focus to Zning Month/Day… like world peace, or world carbon-reduction or world tree rescue whatever. Tie it to a cause, and people will be more likely to drink to it.

    I would also start a social networking site for Zninglings. Definitely.

    This is just me thinking here, but I wonder if the IRS would give Zninglings special tax status as well. That would be pretty cool. Actually, giving them an extra 1% sales tax discount (like old people) at the grocery store would be nice.

    I would even go so far as to suggest a special code for social security numbers (like… adding a Z in there somewhere), and a little logo for their drivers’ licenses and passports so the authorities will be more likely to be friendly to them when they go through customs or get pulled over for speeding.

    Let’s give Zninglings some recognition, and Zning Month/Day the love and attention it deserves!

  3. I bet at every Hallmark exec meeting somebody gets the action item of an assassination and they are all looking forward to it too because it is like candy to them. I can picture Jim running from the above meeting yelling “Yes yes! It’s finally my turn to kill some chum!” Too bad for Jim though because I just so happen to be a master of counter-assassination. He will be dead for five minutes before he is even aware that I’ve killed him.

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