Big Scissors

I was in the supply closet this morning getting some printer paper and a few pens for my desk when I found the biggest fucking pair of scissors I have ever seen.  These things were ridiculous.  The handle was just like any normal pair of hand scissors but the blades had to be at least a foot long.  Seriously these things could have been pruning sheers except that they weren’t (and why would the upstairs reference section of a library need pruning sheers anyway?).  I am at a loss as to what purpose these giant scissors are for.  Honestly the outrageous length of the blades makes them look rather impractical.  I guess maybe they could be used for some kind of book binding work but that all takes place downstairs in the basement.  The scissors really look like they belong in some horror slasher film.  I call it “The Librarian.”  Five teens think that it would be pretty cool to sneak into the old town library at night and get into some harmless shenanigans (note:  shenanigans are never harmless, somebody always suffers, the same goes for tomfoolery) but soon they realize they are not alone.  No, they are in the domain of  . . . THE LIBRARIAN (Who just happens to be a Satan worshipping psycho-killer out for blood).  And what does the Librarian use to kill his/her victims?  Giant fucking scissors of course!  Actually the first thing the scissors made me think of was the Stephen King novel Insomnia in which these little doctor dudes (who kind of look like mini Mr. Cleans) use big pairs of scissors to cut people’s life lines.  So maybe there is some little doctor dude going about and ending people’s lives in the library, though to be honest I think I would have heard if people were dropping dead around here.  Yup, big scissors in the supply closet.  The funny thing is that right before I went to get some stuff from the closet I was cutting up some scrap paper to be used by patrons to jot down whatever and was thinking how my pair of scissors were kind of broken and I could use a new pair.  I was half tempted to take the big scissors but their utterly absurd size disturbed me too much.  I hope they are gone the next time I need anything from the supply closet. 

~ by Nathaniel on January 30, 2008.

2 Responses to “Big Scissors”

  1. i wish you had added a picture of the scissors. i am so curious 🙂

  2. Bring them to BLT!!!

    I would write a Poe/Kafka-esque short story about the pair of scissors actually having the power to cut off people’s lifelines… as if they were puppet strings. So the guy who finds them would have the power to kill people by just snipping the invisible strings over people’s heads, and they would drop dead right on the spot. It would be creepy and terrifying… because he would eventually decide to use them.

    I am going to write this. Lord, I really think we need to start a little writing group. It’s time.

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