The Grandiose and Extremely Hazardous Zning Canoe

New addition to the Zning Celebratory Grimoire (yes there is a large leather bound book detailing the deep dark secrets to all the practices that should be observed on Zning Day).  This new entry details the practice of the Zning Canoe.  Little is special about the canoe itself (any ol’ canoe will do) but it is the placement and then use that is essential.

  • The Zning Canoe should be hung from the ceiling of a room or hallway so that is is about a foot and a half below said ceiling with the seating cavern of the canoe facing upward. 
  • The room or hallway where the canoe shall be hung should be a location that will be getting a lot of pedestrian traffic during the day of Zning celebration.
  • Throughout the day of Zning celebration practitioners in the holiday’s drunken revelry shall throw various shit (though preferable not literal feces) into the Zning Canoe.  Shit that is generally acceptable to be thrown includes (but is not limited to) empty beer bottles/cans, beer caps, solo cups, plastic silverware, shoes, children’s play things, bills of any sort, exotic fruits, homemade pottery, etc, etc.
  • Zning Day celebration shall continue until the contents of the Zning Canoe develop enough weight to cause said canoe to fall from the ceiling.
  • At the point of the Zning Canoe falling the celebration of Zning Day shall be officially over, though if the falling moment occurs before midnight then drunken revelry is permitted to continue.
  • Should a person have the good fortune to be beneath the Zning Canoe when its moment of descent occurs said individual shall be declared the Zning Martyr of the household.  Little shall be done to aid this individual beyond providing them with all the alcohol they need until the reaching of midnight (woe to the Zning Martyr who is struck by the Zning Canoe after the pass of midnight).
  • At midnight, assuming the Zning Martyr has not died of the celebratory injuries received by having a canoe full of all sorts of shit fall on them, said Zning Martyr should be immediately rushed to the nearest hospital for treatment of their wounds (note: that for all legal purposes immediately means as soon as somebody is sober enough to drive so as to avoid unnecessary DUIs or further accidents).
  • The mess created by the of the Zning canoe shall be ignored until all Zning celebratory practitioners are adequately recovered from their considerable hangovers.

Thus it is is written and thus shall it be practiced!  Joyous Joyous Zning Day Blessings to all.  I can’t wait to get wasted tonght! 

~ by Nathaniel on February 29, 2008.

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