Know Your Giant Floating Heads #1: A Reference Guide (Including a Short Anecdotal Encountering with Such)

Name: Headmo the Magnificat and Terrifying

Description: Quite large, about twelve feet in height.  Eyes glow a terrible red.  Headmo is bald with blue-ish/green skin.  His voice is deep, commanding, and awe-inspiring.  Occasionally can get a bit frothy at the corners of his mouth when getting really worked up. Incredibly threatening and pompous.

Comments: Claims to be the inspiration for the Wizard’s giant head in The Wizard of Oz (this has not been independently verified).  Enjoys chamber music and fine Italian wines.  Reputably sustained by photosynthesis.

Name: The Giant Floating Head of Janis Joplin

Description: She is a giant floating head of Janis Joplin. Approx. six feet in height. Floats about another six feet off the ground. Breath reeks of cheap booze.

Comments: Possibly related to and/or some incarnation of the Janis Joplin haunted refrigerator.

Name: Gu’erth the Drunk

Description: Dark shaggy hair and foul breath.  Consistently intoxicated leading to poor mobility.  Approx. five and a half feet in height.

Comments: Often goes on major benders with The Giant Floating Head of Janis Joplin.

Name: Ulthan the Knower

Description: Very large, dwarfing even Headmo, about 23 feet in height.  Skin a very pale pinkish.  Eyes are pure white with no pupils.  Bald.  Surrounded by a lightly radiant mist or gas that smells vaguely of old socks.

Comments: To date the only thing that Ulthan has been really demonstrated to know is price fluctuations of low-fat yogurt.  This dude is super annoying and won’t get a clue that most people don’t care about the price fluctuations of low-fat yogurt . . . ugh, we hate him so much!

Name: Al Roker

Description: As far as a giant floating head goes he is quite small albeit still larger than an average human head.  Wears a robotic human body so as to pass about in public without attracting too much attention.

Comment: Probably the best known giant floating head, attracting a lot of attention as a famous celebrity weatherman.

The Coming and Knowings of Ulthan

It is said that the day that Ulthan the Knowing first appeared at least three people in the Nebraska reported seeing double rainbows.  It is further said that one dude in Idaho claimed to have seen a triple rainbow, but he was a known braggart and it is often assumed that he was just trying to get attention.  Regardless, Ulthan came and shared what he knew.

He appeared in the skies about New York City and in a voice deep and powerful that echoed through the streets of all the boroughs, he spoke of his knowing.

“BEHOLD! I AM ULTHAN THE KNOWING AND I HAVE COME TO PASS ALONG THAT WHICH I KNOW WITH YOU PUNY MORTALS.  I TELL YOU, FOR IT IS TRUTH, THE PRICE OF LOW-FAT YOGURT WILL RISE, ABOUT AN AVERAGE OF TWO CENTS, IN THE NEXT MONTHS!”

A great many gasps could be heard at the exclamation.  Then Ulthan, without offering any explanation simply faded from sight.

The world was left wondering at this cryptic foreboding. Sure enough, time passed and indeed low-fat yogurt prices did rise.  People wondered if wise Ulthan would return with other knowing of things to come.  Could Ulthan be a great blessing to the future of humanity?

Time passed and Ulthan did not appear.  Just when people were certain that he had moved on to greater and better things, the wise giant floating head suddenly appeared again about New York City.

“PEOPLE!” He said, “I, ULTHAN HAVE RETURNED TO BRING YOU MORE KNOWING!  KNOW THIS, A SLIGHT RISE IN THE PRICE OF LOW-FAT YOGURT WILL BE FOLLOWED BY A SIGNIFICANT DIP.  EXPECT LOW-FAT YOGURT TO BE ABOUT THIRTY CENTS CHEAPER ON AVERAGE IN JUNE!”

This left people baffled.  One man, a brave sort, raised his hand and yelled up to the head, “Oh wise and knowing Ulthan, could you perhaps give us some knowing of something other than the price of low-fat yogurt?”

All Ulthan responded to this inquiry, before disappearing again, was a firm “NO!”

It has now been 36 years, and Ulthan returns monthly with his knowing of lowfat yogurt prices.  There were a couple attempts in the early 90s to try to blow him up with no success.  People living in the city have learned to ignore the giant floating head, to the point of pretending he doesn’t even exist.  They also inform tourist not to encourage him.  It doesn’t seem to matter, Ulthan comes and he knows (about the price fluctuation of lowfat yogurt).

~ by Nathaniel on July 20, 2012.

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